“I am not good enough; this is a fact. I cannot give enough and put simply; I am not enough.”
This is the first thing Maya told me in our first session. She told me about years of clinic depression, about being bullied at school and about her mother being mentally ill since she was 12 years old. She told me about living a life full of self-doubt, lack of self-worth and self-hate. She was very unhappy and only partly functional in her practical life. She spoke about years of therapy and clinics, and she told me that although many things did help her during the years, it only helped to some degree. She was still a prisoner of deep fears, self-aggression and severe doubts.
The only moment Maya seemed somewhat relaxed was the moment she told me with shiny eyes about how much she enjoyed the practice of meditation.
“When I meditate, I can sometimes reach a state of calmness and joy and all heaviness of the past seem to fall away. But then, when I open my eyes, I am back to my old self, the one that feels so inadequate and overwhelmed.”
Although the meditation practice was a very important support in her life, it didn’t have the sufficient power to help her heal some of her core-beliefs and her basic anxiety and self-loathing. When she heard about the Expansion Method by Shai Tubali and especially the trauma-release work, she became hopeful. The possibility to combine meditative work with healing was very appealing to her.
There were traumatic events in Maya’s past. The one process that struck me the most, was the time we worked on the first time she realizes her mother was mentally ill. This event was the most traumatic and the most damaging for her. When I took her back in time to tell me the story of what had happened that day, she seemed to re-experience the emotional stress, fear, confusion and agony all over again. She was crying and felt very agitated while we were going over the details of that event, so much I was occasionally considering stopping the session. I was asking her occasionally if she needed to stop but she was so courageous and insisted that no matter how hard it was for her to remember her mother like that, she would rather continue with the process. When we came to the point of looking at all the unconscious conclusions and irrational connections formed unconsciously in her mind during the traumatic event, we could see that many were about feeling not safe, feeling bad and crazy like her mom, feeling she doesn’t deserve happiness and that she is unworthy and can never be worthy. It was shocking for her to see how a short moment of severe weakness could cause so much self-violence and unconscious irrationality. She told me she cannot believe she could ever feel otherwise.
But then we expanded and everything changed dramatically.
The Expansion is a structured process that enables a gradual and consistent expansion of consciousness. This expansion is like a highway to deep, blissful and very clear inner states. It doesn’t matter how negative the starting point in the expansion is, it will always reach the states of joy, silence, peace and light. As the developer of the Expansion Method, Shai Tubali says: “everything, in reality, has a pattern and patterns can be expanded to infinity and to reveal their divine nature. We only need to learn how to structure the pattern of every emotion or sensation so even the darkest densest emotion can be expanded and realized as light.” When I asked Maya to give a name to her trauma, she called it: “the ultimate shock”. It was a painful emotion stuck in her system for many years. Some part of her had never recovered from that childhood shock. We expanded this negative state and slowly moved through some other negative layers. But the more we expanded, the lighter and freer Maya felt. She entered a joyous state which she called: “infinite light” and when I asked her how she sees the traumatic event from that state of mind, she laughed and said that it looks like a little dot in the endless sky. She could not connect to this memory anymore in the way it was present in her before.
When we reentered the memory from the expanded state of mind and looked at all the things she said before the expansion, it was hard for her to connect to it. Most things seemed not true anymore. She didn’t feel like a victim and she didn’t feel this situation, however uncomfortable and demanding, was too much for her to handle. She could contain the event and embrace it within her with much compassion, both towards herself and her mother. She felt no need to continue holding on to the irrational conclusions and the self-hate and was ready to put this memory behind and move on with a light heart. It was such a joy and deep satisfaction to see her so light, calm and connected to herself. She was overwhelmed with gratitude towards the power of expansion and said:
“I didn’t understand that meditation can be a state through which one can act and respond in the world. It was either being passive in the meditation or being active in the world and suffering. Now I can see that not only the meditative states can heal deep wounds and change my entire perception of reality and myself, but that I can live my life as this meditation, I just need to practice more and apply it in my daily life”.
I smiled since I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The Expansion Method acknowledges and harnesses the power of our consciousness as a healing and liberating tool. It allows us to work on our psychological problems from a vaster and clearer state of mind, one that transcends the level of entanglement and neurosis. I have seen many people entering my clinic with heavy hearts and confused minds, only to see them one hour into the session, shining like a sun and wise as the buddha. We all have the seed of the divine in us, and it is our self-reflective faculty, our power of attention and capacity to be aware. When we learn how to expand our consciousness and use it for psychological healing and spiritual empowerment, we can become the unique and glorious beings we could be. We just need to trust that what we are is not just what the eye can see, but far beyond it. So there is no need to compromise and settle for a mediocre life of misery, fear and self-doubt. There are ways to make us free and happy, and one of them is the Expansion.